Hello From the Trenches

Will he stay or will he go now? That is the question. Starting week 2 at home and feeling better. I am so drained after hospital. I have self diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress. I know what its like coming home after war. You can't relate to anyone or anything for a few days. I had 40 messages on my phone but I couldn't even talk clearly. Aidan and I were both in this weird stupor. We both cried a lot out of relief to be home. It felt so good to be here with him safe in his bed not being poked and prodded all day and night. It takes its toll on his mental state and he literally starts going crazy. Its so scary to watch him be upset and there's nothing you can do to stop them because of course they have to monitor his vitals every few hours as well as take so much blood. The meds he was on were insanely strong, I finally asked for the Ativan to numb his brain a little.

Afraid to get too comfortable like its a dream or something. Is it possible that the first chapter of the cancer is over? Its like reading a book that hasn't been written. Its like living with an invisible spirit, unpredictable and scary. I am trying really hard to live "in the moment" so I think after a few weeks of this it will get better. No more putting off what I can do today because we truly do not know what tomorrow will bring. Its all about the bone marrow. I have been advised by the medical profession to basically live in a limbo state right now. Don't get excited about his health but don't let it stop you from living. Ha! I am sarcastically laughing at this prescription. A perfect way to go absolutely insane! I have read all the reports of relapse and it is not fun. Its worse than going thru it the first time and at this point it feels like it would break us. Mentally we are all crippled right now. Recovery will come and we must be patient.

Aidan's feeling ok this week. He's not good and not bad. He's very weak and tenuous about attempting anything strenuous. Going up and down the stairs is hard-he has alot of muscle atrophy from hospitalization. He gets winded and has to hold on to the railings. He stays in his bed and plays games most of the day but is eating really good. He lost about 7 pounds last month so we are working on fattening him up. He has hair growing by the day and has been fever free since they removed the line last week. He is scared shitless of the needle for his weekly blood draws so we are going to use the numbing cream to help get him through the prick. It has been quite an ordeal to get blood out of him without the line and there is nothing I can say to make him feel better about it. He just says " you don't have to do it..." and he's right. His nausea is gone but he still associates those certain foods with it so he has really curbed his menu. Hard to figure out what to feed him so we just go with the flow.

His dad brought him to meet his baby brother. He was elated. Said he held him most of the time and talked baby talk to him. Big smile on his face when he came home. Was completely in LOVE with Christian. (the baby)

Hope week two is as uneventful as week one!